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This is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank
Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No
more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following
changes.
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever- changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you
must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal
Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain
from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that
the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per
page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be
passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You
will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld) |
